in

Hey! Teacher! Leave Them Kids Alone

In a shocking discovery that will surprise absolutely no one, a recent study has found that university lecturers in Pakistan are not just bad, they’re downright awful.

It’s even been claimed that despite warning their students about the dire penalties for plagiarism, some illustrious professors may themselves be guilty of this most heinous of academic crimes, often googling lesson plans, resulting in laughable, inappropriate (in any society) and often downright sickening questions being asked in exams.

The study, which was conducted by a team of independent researchers who were brave enough to sit through hours of tedious lectures and dry PowerPoint presentations, found that the vast majority of university teachers in Pakistan are simply not fit for purpose.

The researchers were particularly critical of the lack of professionalism amongst the teaching staff, with many lecturers showing up late to class, canceling at the last minute, or even failing to show up altogether.

One student, who wished to remain anonymous, told us that her English Literature professor was so disinterested in his own subject that he spent most of his lectures staring at his own fingernails, occasionally muttering something about William Shakespeare marrying his sister, before disappearing for several weeks.

Another student described her physics professor as being so inept that he couldn’t even operate the projector properly, fundamentally misunderstanding the concept of electricity and how it is a requirement to plug the projector into the wall to ensure functionality.

Modern young scholars, many of whom had never been exposed to the horrors of cursive writing, were left with the unenviable task of trying to decipher his unintelligible blackboard scribblings.

One student openly wept as he muttered, over and over again: “Calibri is my friend, Calibri is my friend.”

It turns out, according to the study, that it’s not just a lack of professionalism that’s the problem. It was also found that many university teachers in Pakistan lack the basic knowledge and skills necessary to teach their subjects effectively.

One researcher recounted a particularly memorable encounter with a history professor who, when asked about the causes of the Second World War, confidently asserted that it was caused by aliens.

He then also disappeared and was not seen again for several weeks. It was rumored that he had spent this time googling “what role did aliens play in starting the Second World War” and is now considered by conspiracy theorists all over the world to be the foremost thinker in this esoteric field of study.

The study also found that thanks to inadequacies in teaching methods, the majority of students who attend Pakistani universities have no idea what they are actually learning.

One student appeared visibly confused when asked his opinions on the physics lecture he had just attended, as he thought that he had been in an anthropology class.

In another perhaps unsurprising finding, the study found that students were actively encouraged – indeed commanded – to memorize pointless information that, it turns out, has no relevance to the real world.

According to students who were polled, they have been reliably informed by their teachers that this is “true” critical thinking in the Pakistani University context. Any other variation, they were told, was a foreign conspiracy aimed at subverting the Islamic nation’s impressionable youth.

One professor, who wished to remain anonymous, stated that “our job as educators is not to teach students how to think critically, but rather to teach them how to pass exams. If they can memorize everything we tell them, then they’ll be successful in life. It’s as simple as that.” And who among us would dare argue with such irrefutable logic?

The researchers concluded that the state of university education in Pakistan is a national crisis, with the lack of competent teachers resulting in a generation of students who are ill-equipped to face the challenges of the modern world.

These students, the report claimed in its conclusion, when they leave university, have no idea how to apply the “knowledge” they have gained to real-life situations and are unable to think creatively or solve problems: skills that some (although not the universities themselves, clearly) would say are essential in the modern workplace.

Of course, the universities, when approached for their comments, disagreed violently with the report’s findings. One VC became visibly agitated and told reporters that he lamented the loss of the good old days when he could have hauled the researchers in front of the class by their ears, forced them into the chicken position, or beaten them insensible with slippers and canes for daring to question his unassailable wisdom. (One researcher reported that he was only able to escape punishment when, while reminiscing about this idyllic bygone era, the VC became visibly wistful, a sad, lonely tear falling from his misty eye, and forgot that the researcher was even there).

The report found that one of the major issues with Pakistani universities was the lack of funding, forcing universities to make do with outdated equipment. This, the report claimed, meant that students – future leaders of the nation – were unable to learn using the latest technology or techniques, putting them, according to researchers, at a disadvantage when entering the workforce. Increased funding would also, of course, allow universities to hire trained educators, passionate about their role as mentors to future generations of Pakistanis.

But despite the dire situation, the report offered some glimmers of hope.

The study recommended that the government invest in teacher training and professional development programs to improve the quality of university education in Pakistan.

Whether or not the government takes up the recommendations is anybody’s guess as the fear is that many of those responsible for actually improving the education system are themselves tenured part-time professors who give lectures at these universities (when they are able to make time from their busy personal schedules, that is).

In the meantime, students are advised to bring a good book and a strong cup of coffee to lectures and to keep their expectations low. After all, as one student depressingly told researchers, “if you expect nothing, you can’t be disappointed, can you?”


Disclaimer: This is a satirical article, which is meant to shed light in a humorous manner on a serious topic. Satire is a form of humor that uses exaggeration, irony, and sarcasm to criticize and ridicule individuals or institutions. This article is not meant to be taken seriously and is not intended to offend anyone.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

GIPHY App Key not set. Please check settings

    Car Companies Are Increasing Prices Much More Than Actual Cost of Parts: Analyst

    Another Multan Sultans’ Pacer Ruled Out of PSL 8